Joe and I are spending the day together- playing the guitar, coloring pictures and watching horror movies. When he was a baby, I devoted 100% of my time and attention to him; I was blessed to be in a position where, as a single mom, I could live with him at my parents’ house so I never had to put him in daycare. A lot of people didn’t understand that but I always knew it was a decision I would not regret.
He’s twelve now, and in the past two years he has spent 90% of his time with his dad. That has been hard- I miss interacting with him on a daily basis. But I also know that as he gets older, his dad is doing a great job of giving him freedom and responsibility; they’re great friends, like Joe and I are, and since his dad was very uninvolved in Joe’s life for a long time, I feel like this is good for all of us.
I think that Joe’s attachment to me is strong because of how I raised him, and I am so glad that he is happy and healthy. He makes me laugh and think and when he plays the guitar or shows me something that he has drawn, I am awed and humbled that he came out of me. When he was born he seemed so small, and now he towers over me… but he hasn’t yet lost (and maybe he will never lose it, I hope) his little boy enthusiasm. He has ideas that seem farfetched but he talks about them so clearly and eloquently.
In February he will turn 13. I will be the mother of a teenager, but in no way does he seem like the typical teen. He still calls us Mommy and Daddy. <3
At one point, I considered myself joesmom- it was my whole identity. Now I am branching out and finding new interests, and so is Joe. I no longer consider myself ‘just’ joesmom- but I am and always will be Joe’s Mom. And I am damn proud to be.
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Posted on 28 September '11 by admin, under Uncategorized. No Comments.
This isn’t going to be a huge long entry; I just wanted to document this so I don’t forget. I think I am going to use this blog as a way to discipline myself to write. That’s one thing that has been hard for me, my whole life- being able to save certain writings on this computer, some on that computer, half of this story one place and the rest in another… if I use the blog, it will all be in one place. I’d like to wake up and just start writing about the first thing that comes to my mind… just sitting here typing this and the previous entry out has made me feel like I am missing something huge by not writing every single day.
Old habits are hard to break, but when one is determined, and when one sees that the new way is the better way, that does make it easier. Until tomorrow then…
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Posted on 28 September '11 by admin, under Uncategorized. No Comments.
I’ve always loved to write; ever since I was little I’ve sporadically kept a diary or journal, and that has carried over into my adult life. Let me define sporadically for you: I keep up with my writing for a few days, sometimes a week… and then… stuff gets in the way. Erm, I guess I should rephrase that. I LET myself get distracted and sidetracked because it’s easier to do that than to discipline myself to sit my ass down and write.
I think another reason that I haven’t kept up with daily writing is that, a lot of the time, nothing exciting enough happens to me to warrant writing every day. I could sit and ponder what to write about for a long time and nothing would come to mind…
That’s why I am going to try something different now. I started this blog with the intent that it would be a look into all of the camping and hiking and outdoor stuff that I was immersed in at that time. I still love that; love the outdoors and being active, but it’s not the only thing that I am doing. It’s not the only interest in my life.
I’ve recently submitted a manuscript- a real one, with 3500 words- to a magazine. The process of starting with nothing, and ending with a complete and heartfelt story about something that is very near and dear to my heart, was truly amazing. At first I wondered how I would ever write that many words, and before the deadline, I was scrambling like a madwoman trying to shave certain parts down as much as I could, to make sure that I had enough words left over to adequately finish my story.
That was a weird and neat feeling. I’ve also been pondering a story for another website: glimmertrain, which has monthly contests in different categories… I have spent too many years minimizing my talents in certain areas and overinflating them in others. So right now I am trying very hard to accurately assess my abilities so I don’t sell myself short or end up looking like a pompous ass.
(The audience sighs.)
I am also in the process of learning to play the guitar, so I will probably write about that as well. It’s something that I never expected I would do- something I just assumed that I “couldn’t” do. Being able to plunk out the notes to “My Country Tis of Thee,” and learning a few simple chords and strumming patterns, has been awesome and affirming to me. One of the things that always struck me when I’d watch my exhusband play with his band was the connection two people could have when they’re sitting close together with two guitars. Having that connection with Rob as he and I play together is insane. I want to learn to play and sing “Anyone Else But You,” and intend to keep this blog apprised of the situation. :) It’s a G chord and a C chord, and I know that I will need to work on the flexibility and strength of my fingers before I will be able to play.
That’s a pretty obvious statement but it wasn’t long ago that I would not have looked at it that way; instead I would have said something like this:
I tried to learn how to play the guitar, but I couldn’t even play a simple two chord song. I don’t know why I can’t play an instrument. Oh well.
Yeah, I did that a lot. I didn’t realize how much until I really let myself think about it, and it makes me sad, in a way. I mean, I think about all of the things I always assumed that I couldn’t do, and I know that I could (and should) have done them. At the same time, I also feel incredibly optimistic and hopeful- I am still two weeks away from turning thirty eight- which doesn’t FEEL old, but it LOOKS old- and I have a lot of living and learning and creating to do. There’s no success without failure, and there’s no success without trying.
That’s basically it for now. I will be back!
Posted in Perspective/Growth | 1 Comment »
Posted on 28 September '11 by admin, under Perspective/Growth. 1 Comment.
It has begun. This weekend Rob and I spent many hours in the woods below my parents’ house, cutting down small trees to make a shelter. We ended up with an amazing hut, sturdy as hell, covered in tree branches. We cleared out the area around it, and my nephew built an awesome fire pit.
I don’t really know how long it took to build our shelter, because we worked silently and in unison, for most of the time. It’s so different, being in the woods now- instead of feeling like I am visiting and will soon have to go back to the “real world,” the woods are becoming my real world.
Most of the people who have taken the leap to living off the grid advise that you should do it on a trial basis first- to go out on the weekends and see if you are cut out for that life. With the flexibility of Rob’s work schedule, and with my mom letting us commandeer her forest, we are able to take a bigger first leap than most people- and I think, for both of us, it is becoming more obvious that this is, indeed, a good life for us.
Whether we end up living completely off the grid, or even if we ‘only’ buy or build a small log cabin that has electricity and running water, I do know that neither one of us will feel truly happy or fulfilled unless we are able to spend the brunt of our time outside.
We didn’t finish working on our shelter until it was nearly dark, and we haven’t yet slept in it- but I can’t wait to build our first fire there, sit back and relax, and fool around on our guitars. I feel like combining these two things- the adopting of a more rural and natural lifestyle, and the learning and mastering of a new instrument- the first instrument I’ve learned- has multiplied the positive impact on my life.
I’ll always remember the first time I played a ‘real’ song, the first time we got a fire started using no matches, the first meals- shrimp and kielbasa- we cooked over an open fire. These things did not happen on the very same day but it was all during this time period- this transition from living like everyone else to jumping off the edge and becoming totally free.
So there it is. I’m not yet Survivorwoman, but every day I am getting closer, and I know that the two of us will figure it out together. It’s ironic that there have been things that scare me throughout my life, and now I am looking at doing what many would find scarier than anything else, and I am not scared at all. I’m excited; I’m anticipating amazing things; I’m full of ideas and thoughts. But I am not scared. I’m not scared of living in the woods, I’m not scared about What People Will Think. I’m just thrilled with the prospects of what the future will hold.
And now… I’m off to take a shower. In a real bathroom, because like I said, we’re only slightly off the grid. For now.
<3
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Posted on 16 May '11 by admin, under Perspective/Growth. No Comments.
Leave no trace. Three little words, and they seem so simple. Most people know that it isn’t cool to go into the woods and throw candy bar wrappers on the ground. They know not to bother or threaten the wildlife. I’ve known not to do these things since I was very small.
Truly leaving no trace, though, goes far deeper than that. It’s about staying on trails when you can so that they aren’t eroded for the next hiker. It’s about making sure that human and pet waste is properly contained and removed. It’s about respecting Mother Nature- her waters, her forests, her still somewhat clean air.
When I am in the woods, I feel like we are communing together. I feel like I am in the forest and the forest is in me. I don’t feel that way when I go to the mall or to Applebee’s. I feel like we are mutually sharing the space, and that makes it easy to think and do the things that will leave the least impact.
Rob and I were hiking the other day, and he was talking about the trees and the woods having feelings- he asked me not to bang my walking stick against the ground or other trees because it seemed disrespectful to him. And you know, I totally understood what he meant.
My whole life has been filled with noise and activity, and for the last twenty months it has been filled with some of the best and most intense and soul searching that I have ever experienced. I like to talk. But there is just something about being in the woods that quiets my mind and my mouth. It’s peaceful and solemn and beautiful if you let it be.
This past weekend, I spent many hours outdoors with an incredible person- the person I have spent the last twenty months talking to and listening to. We barely spoke the entire time we were walking; saving our chatter for when we stopped to rest- and yet, after the weekend was over, I felt like we had had one of the best and longest conversations of our life together.
Leave no trace. It’s a fine adage for hiking and backpacking, but it doesn’t translate well to life. When I am dead and gone, when my bones have turned to dust and there is no one alive who remembers meeting me, I want my name to live on. I want people to remember me as someone who made a difference in some way. I want US to do something together, you and I… something so far beyond amazing that people are rendered speechless. I want us to do it together, and I am certain that spending ever more and more time in the woods and the wilderness will be the perfect environment to make that happen.
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Posted on 4 May '11 by admin, under Hiking. No Comments.
Growing up in the eastern panhandle of West Virginia was the perfect life for someone like me. My family lives in a very rural area- close enough to town to be convenient, but remote enough that, while we were kids, we could pretend that the woods beside our house was a wilderness.
I was always more attracted to the games boys played when I was little- always more intrigued by the chores my dad did, rather than those Mom did. Playing with dolls and helping cook dinner was fun for me, but given the choice I would’ve much rather been playing with Tonka trucks in the mud or helping Dad build something. I used to wonder why that was, but have slowly come to realize- those things are just more fun!
I’ve been drawn to the woods, to the outdoors, my whole life. There have been years where I have been outside much of the time, and years where many days go by and I barely leave the house. The times when I can be outside, and commune with nature, are the times when I feel the happiest, the healthiest, the most whole.
Rob and I have been talking for a long time about getting out in the woods and hiking. It’s something we’re both passionate about, and from the times that we’ve camped together, or even just spent the evening around a campfire in the backyard, we knew that we’d make a good team. It seemed like there was always something else happening that prevented us from actually going into the woods, and this past weekend, we finally did it.
We didn’t have any sort of plan in mind, just got in the car and started driving. A few hours later we were staring in awe at Blackwater Falls- more swollen and muddy from the recent deluges of rain than I have ever seen it. It was absolutely, beautifully breathtaking.
Usually when I am in the woods with another person, I feel like I am taking too long to absorb everything I see and smell and feel. There’s a lot of pressure to hurry up so we can get where we are going, and most people look at me funny if I come up and stick moss in their face and command, “Smell this!” But hiking with Rob is different. We have such a connection in the woods- the same things intrigue us, the same things interest us. Part of what makes our time in the woods so special is just that- we find such commonality in the way we do things, and it carries over more and more into every other aspect of our lives.
I pushed my body hard this weekend. There were no times where I let myself think, or even feel, “I don’t know if I can do this.” I am in my element in the woods- I seem to have a natural instinct for how to be. Maybe it’s because I grew up in the woods, and felt safe and taken care of when I was at home. Being in school- in public- was difficult for me, and it has always seemed to carry over into my adulthood. I’m confident in what I can do in the woods in a way that I have not been in other parts of my life.
I am going to write more later about the actual hike; the things we saw and the things I was thinking and feeling.
I am 37 years old and I feel like I am in the best physical shape of my life. Our plans for the summer include lots of weekend camping and hiking trips, and I intend to keep this blog updated with our adventures. Additionally, I’ll be talking about the things we learn, the various animals, flora and fauna that we identify, etc. Our eventual hope is to live a life- well, off the beaten path, and every time we take a step into the woods we are one step closer to realizing that dream.
| I shall be telling this with a sigh |
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| Somewhere ages and ages hence: |
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| Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— |
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| I took the one less traveled by, |
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| And that has made all the difference. |
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
Posted on 4 May '11 by admin, under Uncategorized. 1 Comment.
Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. ~Kahlil Gibran
Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments »
Posted on 14 October '10 by admin, under Uncategorized. 3 Comments.
